"I have a problem about being nearly sixty: I keep waking up in the morning and thinking I'm thirty-one."

"Power is the ability not to have to please."

"A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain."

"If a child shows himself to be incorrigible, he should be decently and quietly beheaded at the age of twelve, lest he grow to maturity marry, and perpetuate his kind."

"A man always remembers his first love with special tenderness, but after that he begins to bunch them."

"EULOGY, n. Praise of a person who has either the advantages of wealth and power, or the consideration to be dead."

"Accomplishing the impossible means only the boss will add it to your regular duties."

"Dentist, n.: A Prestidigitator who, putting metal in one's mouth, pulls coins out of one's pockets."